I was diagnosed with depression at 14 which was quite a long time ago. I did not get diagnosed with a disability until this year. I only did it because I thought it would help me get a job. Now I'm wondering if it was such a good idea because I feel like life was better when I was oblivious and thought I was just strange. Having a diagnosis is like a life sentence to me..a life sentence of failure. It only reiterates how improbable if not impossible it is to have a happy relationship and being independent with a career/job. I don't want to be like an invalid..where someone is always going to have to take care of me.
The worst part is it seems like getting a diagnosis isn't even getting me anywhere with a job. My coach is funded by the state so it is a limited amount of time to work with me. I guess she got me an interview when I usually have problems getting but I feel like I'm never going to get past that stage. I also felt lost on whether to disclose before getting the job. She wasn't sure what I should do there. I know that I started working with her not too long ago but it doesn't seem like there are much jobs out there for me. She thinks I should try the craft store but I don't know. It wouldn't be a terrible job but I don't know how I would fit in there when I'm not into crafts. I know you wouldn't have to do the crafts cuz it's a regular associate job but still..I feel like if I'm going to do retail it has to be a store I'd be familiar with. I'm not good at hiding my feelings as much as I want to so I'm afraid they will notice somehow that it's not really a job I like.
I don't know about volunteering either cuz when I did gift wrapping in school I was kinda meh about it since they did not pay me. My self esteem relies hugely on making money. If I'm not making money it's not worth it to me. Maybe if I did an internship or helped a musician out with their video (since that's my ultimate goal: do music videos) that would be okay to do but I can never find much in my area.
I'm kind of a loner too so I don't know how I'd get good references when volunteering is basically networking.
Being a loner I don't seek out friendships so this doesn't really make sense to me but I feel kinda lonely because I think about how I could possibly have kindred spirits that I could never have a relationship with. That's what I sometimes wish for is kindred spirits but they're so hard to come by. I am missing someone who I believe is my kindred spirit but I can't go into it because most people won't understand.

I don't know why I'm posting this because I don't like to open up. It's not something I generally do even online. I'm just so tired of my life and feel stuck. I've been living this life too long and want a new one. I think not having a job is definitely my biggest problem so I think if I can get a job that will help some but I know I have other baggage too. That is my main goal right now it just doesn't seem like it will ever happen.
People say to go back to therapy but I was put into therapy as a child and was there for a while..it didn't really help. My current therapist seemed really nice and understanding but we didn't go deep and as far as the job thing she said she couldn't help. That's why she referred me to the organization. So I haven't been to her since because I'm afraid she won't be able to help me. I don't like sharing my deepest feelings to begin with so if it turns out that even she can't help I will feel awful after sharing. On the rare occasions I do open up to someone, it doesn't help me because either they are not understanding or they can't help so I feel like a burden to the latter.

Maybe I should have put this in the autism category but I never know where to put my posts.