*there is some mention of general SI stuff in here*

i don't even remember what he was wearing today. there were no cheese cube-like designs or ugly tropical leaves. oh now that i think about it, i remember blue socks. but that was because i was staring at the floor the entire time.

i gave him the thing i typed and i let him read it. in front of me. i gave it to him in the beginning of session and he said he would just hold it until i was ready to tell him he could open it and read it. well for some ridiculous reason, i became ready.

the note said that sometimes i can't even look at him because my feelings are too intense. that i don't know what to do even when we are connected, because there is still an absence of something. i wrote that in those moments, i want him to take my hand, to hold me, or to hug me. i wrote that the little kid wants him to hug her, wants to be taken care of and kept safe by him. i wrote that similarly, in my other relationships, i will feel connected on certain levels but then there is still emptiness left. and that it is intolerable.

then i died.

no i didn't. i'm still here. but i wanted to. i asked him if that was an option. after he read it i told him that it hurt. he asked why and i said because the inner child's needs are never met in the child-like ways that she wants. what i really wanted to say was "because i don't think you will ever hug me and that feels like a rejection." but i didn't say it.

he asked me if i didn't think he already knew that these feelings existed. i told him i was almost certain that he knew... but that it was my job to finally acknowledge them. and of course process them, but it's still so new. we'll get there.

then we talked about how i don't integrate the different parts of me. how they are distinct personality states that i am completely aware of (as opposed to anything dissociative). i told him how when i am the little kid i get very reckless in my SI because i just want to destroy her. i told him how the "angry" part is the quickest one to come out. i am a completely different person when i'm angry and i can turn into that person at the drop of a hat. he sees that in session all the time. i told him about the "normal" me who defines herself by her career and education. told him that makes the little kid part all the more shameful and embarrassing. then i told him how the depressed, empty part is now called the "big" part and is the most dangerous. that is the part of me that gets tired, not only of itself, but of all the other parts and all the switching. it is the part that cannot deal with its own implications, plus the fact of not being integrated. that's why that part carries all the suicidal ideation. because unlike the child who wants to destroy that specific part, and unlike the angry part, who wants to destroy everything around her, the "big" part wants to destroy them all. i am thinking of more parts as i write this and i am eager to write in my journal, begin to sort this out, and talk to T more about it on friday.

he thanked me for being so open by bringing that note in. i asked him if it was okay. he gave me the most genuine smile and said, "it's okay."

i didn't feel like we were terribly connected today. but we weren't disonnected by any means, either. we just.... were there. i'm still trying to see if i'm okay with that. it seems so ambivalent... and ambivalence is generally something that is intolerable to me.

he asked me if i could integrate any of the parts, even in the smallest bit... like identify my "normal adult self" with the child... accept that some of the child's needs can be the adult's as well. i said no, not at this point. i said i completely understand how he meant that the pieces can overlap and integrate, but when i take on a certain character, it is in its extreme and its entirety, and there is no room for integration.

i told him how i think i push things off on the child that might be part of the adult. for example, like wanting him to hold me. i push that off as the child wanting it because i don't want to admit that for my (adult) self. i think there are a lot of reasons for that. being married, for instance. the guilt. the guilt of wanting to be held by my male therapist. the child and the adult both want it. but i would rather push it off on the child. it makes it easier to deal with. not easy. but easier.