Feeling anxious today. He goes in for a CT scan and it seems surgery is imminent. This will be the second surgery he will have since we've been together. I just feel this -- apprehension. His last surgery he was completely dependent on me and it was overwhelming. To drop everything to feed him, bathe him, medicate him. And there was this immediate expectation I would be that for him. I have trouble just taking care of myself. I want to be that support for him, but I have to be realistic about my limitations.

I am experiencing some anxiety just thinking about having to care for him again. He gets very verbally abusive when on medications not to mention he gets very ill in a violent way immediately after anesthesia.

I mean-- I work full time, I am in grad school full time, and I care for 5 horses which is another job in and of itself. How will I be able to take care of him during his two months of recovery? I dread it. To have to be responsible for his care and to get him to doctors appointments and to ensure he is taking his medication. It really freaks me out.

But I can't just leave him......

Its a tough day. Especially knowing he is fully prepared to do surgery without exhausting any other options and potentially paralyzing himself for life. Part of me wants to just escape this. If I am by myself, no one will expect me to be their rock. I myself am floating. I need my own rock. I can't be someone else's right now.