Surgery will be for spinal decompression and probably spinal fusion. The CT he gets today will help determine how invasive things have to be.

I agree, I will need help. I think I just feel this overwhelming sense of responsibility. And that isn't romantic, is it?

Its just been months of this - we aren't intimate anymore, we stay home, and he can't engage in things I enjoy (horseback riding, hiking, going out) because of his physical limitations. Originally, I stopped doing those things because I felt guilty that I was excluding him (which he brought up in counseling, I exclude him) but I had to do something for ME and so I now go at least 3-4 times a week to ride my horses and be active and go on jogs. Honestly, I gained 20 lbs in the last 6 months because I stopped doing anything to be his rock. It is exhausting. Worse yet, sometimes he will get so fed up with being unable to do anything that he will overstress himself and further injure himself. He can't lift over 25 lbs. So, he doesn't. But sometimes he'll tag along with me to the horses and I'm lifting 100 lb bales and he'll grab one. And I tell him to please leave it, I've got it. I feel like I'm emasculating him. But, he has to be realistic and so do I. I want someone who can do these things but my fiancé can't. And its not his fault, but it is reality. So what do I do?

And so maybe that's why I am so turned off by this whole thing -- because he is no longer a partner in crime. He is now my responsibility. Or so it feels. Before we were wholly compatible. We went on hikes, we rode the horses, we were passionate and engaged in one another's lives. But, now it just seems like I'm his support system. Which means I get no support at all. I get he is worried about his future, but it seems like he has gone in to autopilot mode and is no longer able to be a committed partner to me.

I don't know that this is what I want. But, I don't HAVE to get married. I don't HAVE to make a decision today. I just hate feeling this guilt. I feel responsible. I feel like I'm abandoning him. I will go out of my way to see him, just for 5 minutes, because I want him to know he is important. But, who does that for me? Sometimes I want someone to take care of me, yknow?

Sorry, self-pity day.