(((((jaymoq)))))

You have my total sympathy. I am in a better position than the vast majority of people to understand the dilemma you feel you are in. I do take care of my disabled significant other.

First of all: If you are living with this man, then you absolutely need to change that. Until you do, you cannot possibly think clearly. At the very least, do not marry this man. That is a huge commitment that you have absolutely no duty to make . . . and very excellent reasons not to make.

Being engaged gives a person some final time to consider if they are sure they want to be in a marriage with someone. It does not mean you are irrevocably committed. Ending an engagement due to your fiance's health problems may seem unromantic, but it is perfectly legitimate. It sounds like you are trying to hold yourself up to a superhuman standard of devotion. Trust me - I know how that can be.

I've been in a longterm relationship with a man whom I long ago decided never to marry. He had too many problems, including alcohol abuse and unreliable employment. We have lived together for years at a time. We've lived together, apart, together, apart. When he permanently stopped drinking and was working steady, I moved back in with him. That lasted a few years, and then I separated from him again. I am so very, very glad I did.

I still love him and I now provide him with a great deal of care. I stay at his apartment many nights, but I do have my own apartment to go home to. If not for me, he would now be in a nursing home. I do this only because I want to. I can stop anytime I friggin' feel like it. Believe me - there isn't a month I don't seriously entertain stepping back. I love having that freedom. (If I lived with him, I would feel absolutely trapped!)

He is so damn lucky that I never did marry him. If I had, we would have been divorced by now, and he would not have me in his life. Instead, he has me as his forever friend. I am free to walk out of the friendship. But, knowing I have no obligation to do anything for him, lets me feel free to be his friend and do as much, or as little, as I want to.

I am older than you and retired. I am not working, or going to school or trying to take care of horses. I have all the time in the world, and I choose to devote some of it to him.

Quite frankly, in your case, I would recommend, eventually, distancing yourself, even in terms of friendship with this man. You need to be free to, eventually, find another relationship that may have the potential to bloom into a healthy marriage. I am at an age where I don't need that. I've been involved with this man for over 30 years. When he goes, I hope to get myself a nice dog.

As is the case with you, my S.O. has the potential to be unpleasant/abusive at times. (I was in a domestic violence shelter, years ago, during a time when I lived with him and was unemployed.) Nowadays, I believe he is much nicer than he would be, if I didn't have my own apartment to go to anytime I want. And, sometimes, I do get completely fed up with him and tell him I need to go home.

Feel free to PM me anytime, if you like.