For some reason I'm the kind of person who doesn't really notice I'm depressed until it gets really bad. I've probably been on this downward path for a while now (I had a big mania in early November, and this is probably the other foot dropping). But everything kind of hit me all at once two weeks ago. Grad school applications, grad school (it's complicated), work, appointments, tax issue (also complicated), my mom breathing down my neck for being lazy unmotivated and messy, etc. just...blah. Too much to deal with. Even when I'm feeling okay I can generally only accomplish one thing a day. I just get overwhelmed.

Some suicidal thoughts, but nothing too serious.

Then today I have my first psychiatrist appointment in like 6 weeks, and it was traumatic. I got into a fight with my psychiatrist because he keeps saying I might have epilepsy, and I keep insisting that I'm not having seizures (he says my hallucinations are absence seizures, which doesn't even make sense), and he keeps insisting that my hallucinations have gotten better since he drastically lowered my clonopin dose when in reality i went from 1 hallucination to 0 in my recent history...not exactly drastic. And I don't care about my hallucinations anyway. They're so few and far between, and not scary, and don't negatively impact my life in any way. But since he's lowered the clonopin I've been having panic attacks left and right. And that's my main concern right now, not the one random hallucination I had two months ago.

And the biggie that came up in my appointment is that I'm an addict and that I apparently have an eating disorder. He was kind of vague as to whether I have bulimia or binge eating disorder but for insurance reasons he's going to say I have binge eating disorder so he can prescribe me vyvanse which apparently helps with addictive behavior. Which is great. But he wouldn't prescribe me the vyvance unless I agreed to go off of my wellbutrin, my geodon, and my ambien...which basically leaves me with nothing, except he wants me to start saphris again, which i've tried in the past and it didn't help except for with sleep.

As far as the whole addiction thing goes, I know I have issues with alcohol. I've been trying to go sober for months now and I keep slipping up. I slipped up for a week in november, and I slipped up on New Years Eve. Better than drinking morning through night every day like I was...but apparently I don't get credit for improvement, just total abstinence. I've also been addicted to cigarettes twice, i've been addicted to caffeine since i started college 7 years ago (but whatever, everyone's addicted to caffeine), I'm currently hooked on kratom (which I didn't tell him about, I haven't told anyone about that), and I've had phases of doing other illicit drugs (I've stayed away from heroin, meth and coke though) and I guess I'm addicted to bingeing. I knew I had an addictive personality, but no one had ever told me to my face that I'm an addict until today and that hit me pretty hard.

Same thing with the eating disorder, I knew I had eating issues, but no one has ever said to my face that I have an eating disorder. I think he's wrong about which one I have (I think I have EDNOS), but I guess he's right that I have an eating disorder. Basically I'm either starving myself, bingeing and not doing anything about it, or bingeing and purging, those are my three phases. About 70% of the time is starving, 28% is bingeing, and 2% is bingeing and purging. Except my psychiatrist claims that starving yourself is a form of purging (wtf?). That can't be right can it? I'll ask the proper forum in a different thread...

Anyway, I just am caught in a spiral of self loathing, no motivation to do anything, and anxiety out the wazoo. The only things keeping me going are the prospect of my friend from CA (my only friend) coming to visit me for two weeks next month, and the prospect of going to a Supernatural convention in December with her. (Anyone here love Supernatural?? If so, let's be friends). The whole reason I decided to stop drinking in the first place is that my favorite costar on Supernatural is 26 years sober (I'm 26 years old) and he's just so inspiring to me.

I don't know what the point of this thread is. I guess if anyone can relate, or has advice, or is on some of these meds, or loves supernatural, give me a holler.