So this is what happens to me.

Yesterday I began my new job. It was a very full day finishing with dinner. In the middle of a meeting I pretended that T was sitting across from me (it was the day of our usual appointment). I suppose this was good because I was fantasizing and holding him close.

Then he disappeared. He is so gone that I think I could quit therapy right now. I don't really miss him a lot right now. I don't feel like crying anymore. I am accepting his absence and in a way feel like this is now my new life and I move on. It's as if my new job has replaced T. I was even afraid I wouldn't make it home last evening, like I had started a new life.

This is what I was afraid of--it comes directly from issues in my childhood. Constancy? Fuggedaboutit!!

Now, the countdown is filled with anxiety. I will be afraid to call him and afraid to walk into his office. Weird, distressing, complicated.



1 week 6 days till my next appointment.
1 week 2 days till I can call T.