Thanks Innerzone, I appreciate it Nice to know someone out there has been thinking of me. That's comforting.

Row Jimmy: What makes you think I have a personality disorder? I'm very curious about that because I feel pretty strongly that I do not have one. Is it just because we both have bipolar and have/had substance issues and your pdoc thought you had borderline for a while? That's kind of weird logic. I know I share one or two traits of borderline when I'm depressed, but they disappear when I'm stable or manic. No problems with relationships, no mood lability throughout the day etc.

My clinic (the only place I can go in my town) doesn't have psychiatrists, they only have psychiatric nurse practitioners. I've worked with PNPs and real psychiatrists and haven't found one to be better than the other. I understand they have different training, but I've had psychiatrists who were more clueless than my already clueless PNP (for instance my last psychiatrist insisted that I go on Clozaril even though I was stable or he would not be willing to see me anymore). I don't think switching providers is going to somehow change the problems I already have. Label it whatever you want, I have "issues" with alcohol and eating. I want to just deal with them. And with my insurance, and in my area, this is my only shot at professional help with that. Believe me, my current setup is 5x better than my last setup, and the one before that. It's not perfect, in fact it's not great at all, but it's as good as it's going to get right now. I've had more stability than I've had in the past 7 years working with my current team. That has to mean something. Also, I don't have a seizure diagnosis. My psychiatrist just likes to throw around the term "absence seizure" in every other sentence for some strange reason. Also, I don't have a GP. And if I did, they would refer me right back to my PNP because they're all in the same building.

I'm starting to see what my therapist is talking about when he tells me I put up a roadblock to any advice anyone ever gives me. I'm stubborn I guess. Or maybe I only like the advice I give myself...but I still don't follow it.

Also, as far as the quality of my current treatment team goes, it is night and day between my setup and my good friend in California's setup. She has gotten horrific "care" and I just feel blessed that I'm getting better care than that (and that I don't live in Bakersfield). She has Bipolar I and eating issues like me and the only thing she's on is Prozac. Her doctor took her OFF lithium when he started the prozac for some stupid reason. His appointments with her are every 2.5 months and last less than 15 minutes, and she still isn't on a therapeutic dose of Prozac. Meanwhile she's in a mixed episode and has made two suicide attempts in the past two weeks. I had to call the police in her town to do a welfare check on her one of those times (and the stupid police couldn't even find her house). Seriously. I hate Bakersfield. But that's a different rant...

Anyway, I'm grateful for what I've got. That was my point.