Hi Avalen

I don't really have any advice, I just wanted to say you're not alone. I think I've got WAY too much emotional baggage for anyone to take me on too. I also really don't care. Im a lot older than you, but I can relate on a lot of levels to what you've said - including fantasies! Nothing you have said sounds strange or unusual to me. Personally, I think you should get on and enjoy your new life with your troubles behind you - and if you stumble across a loving relationship whilst doing it then great, but I wouldn't waste too much brain space on 'what ifs'. I've wasted decades doing that - it would be great to see you go a different direction.