I worry too much about what others think of me when it comes to sex. Specifically my looks and my fantasies. I have shamed myself all my life internalize a lot of things I don't understand why so many people are sex hating fiends who just don't care what I feel.

It's very hard I was raped a lot growing up and that hurt me so much more bring shamed for it publicly humiliated for many years either called a ***** or say I'm someone's ***** and I'm gay growing up. I have nothing wrong with my sexual preferences or anyone's ever.
So to finish my back story I grew up always hating myself because I'd always feeling like **** when most people just jump into relationships to have sex? Which I never understand why not just have sex and cut out the BS. Like for real I'm really tired of feeling so ashamed if I like something doesn't mean I want it in excess amounts or I'm a problem and something bad in this world as a guy its so damaging when you really like someone you are cordial and respectful of space and take consent seriously but the other person is either not into you because of your preferred sexual appetites or your looks with that.

So now what happened was a good close female friend snapchats me a lot her best friend and I are trying to go out with each other the girl I'm snapchatting is helping us both because she wants to I didn't bring it up it just happened. I meet her at work a lot before and they love seeing me both think I'm good looking and both like me a lot. They are very sweet considerate friends I couldn't ask for more from that, but recently they wanted nudes from me both thought I was hot AF even more and that made me super comfortable. That's my number one rule I'll never date anyone I'm not comfortable having sex with not because of looks at all it's always their views on sex will make me feel less than a person. I can't tell you how painful it I'd emotionally to be always afraid of your own sexual desires. See really mine are not so crazy or daring or just some silly fantasy and I'm not a ****ed in the head person I'm not perverted and I dated and hooked up with people who I had normal vanilla straight 1on1 sex and some have way more absurd fantasies than me and I didn't think less of them at all.

So what brought this on I was at a bday for my uncle my family is very party heavy we are very open and comfortable crowd of people we don't judge despite different personalities and views. We love you all the person you are and I was drunk and stoned and really out gone. What happened under the influence of alcohol mainly I brought up this girl I'm going out with possibly to my cousin whose my age female. She her best friends female as well that known me for a good big portion of my life and my cousins new gf who was unusually overly flirtatious with me. That made me a bit uncomfortable at first but I just winged it and nothing bad happened and yeah she's hot but I am not that kind of person to just hook up with anyone. That's my most assumed theory people who think know me don't is that and it pisses me off so much because it's degrading how they put it and I don't hook up with anyone. I've had sex with 5 people period all consensually fun and enjoyable and comfortable and some were close friends and girlfriends and when I hear sex in the infidelity context applied to me on my preferences it's so stupid and insane how someone can make a bold statement because some people like to shame others because some other did that. It's complete crap and I can't tell you how many times I hate myself for liking something because this all or nothing one and only mindset a majority has put an impression on me.

So I in effect was told by my family and friends just said to me all female asked if I liked one over the other. I answered honestly I couldn't choose both are beautiful. One of them thought the others the one if the two weren't as good looking as the other saying I make cute babies with the one girl over the other. I honestly didn't care what they thought on that because they've been nothing but kind ladies to me I respect highly and omg I find both if them very attractive to me both are special to me. So then my cousins gf says you're more than good looking tell them how special they are to you since you can't decide don't date either or which is what I planned on doing because I don't like making decisions like that so quickly anymore I haven't dated for 3 years because of abusive exes. Both girls are so awesome and kind to me. Yes they then said you can always don't date one yet have a three some and decide after or don't do a threesome and date both if their OK with it. No lie my cousin the older brother of my female cousin did that before it worked for awhile.

See I can take responsibility of the good and bad I'm not going to leave people behind. So what ended up happening I was drunk snap chatting her what they said I wasn't crude or mean or appearing as thirsty or needy in anyway I really said how I feel and how they make Me happy they value me. I then said all the sexual things do if we decided a three some and I said you don't have to if you don't want to. I felt it was a good idea for granted after they were both asking for nudes when they were together one night. I said if we do it we don't have to it again if you two don't want to just wanted to be clear make my point. I sorta repeated myself and it got more drunk text. I really wanted to tell them but not like this and I'm feeling so anxious right now I regret how it happened and not what I said because I am very uncomfortable when alcohol put me in that corner and brought out my secrets. Yes my fantasies are like threesomes four variants somes. I like guys and girls but I like making the other person get off from me especially orally giving it.
I like being both Dom and sub and I love how I'm very chameleon like with how I go about my preferences. I don't want it every day or even a lot just to do it is enough.
I have a few others I'll never bring up because they are abuse related and I will never tell anyone I'm in a relationship with ever. It's not something I'm proud of having to like it's not bdsm it's sorta like it but it ends up me suffering a lot emotionally and bring harmed physically it's just something I don't want others to think about with me.

I had my last relationship ruined because of a huge misunderstood response my ex gave to me embarrassed her and me and she's shaming me for it. I didn't bring it up to her afterwards but she wasn't nice to me at all she rather drink hook up with strangers or use me to escape her pain by having sex with me. I didn't mean to hurt her feelings over something that isn't a big deal I didn't cheat or nothing. I've not done it once because someone else took my attention it's never happened to me it won't ever. I take relationships seriously when I'm in them and I hate when my sexual fantasy of an occasionally or seldom group hookup of anything like that is either demonized or I'm lectured how I shouldn't focus on it because you should enjoy the love of a relationship more than sex talk. It's frustrating for me because I'm not being understood even when I make myself clear it's so hard to explain a problem people don't understand unless they're there and I really want a sex therapist for this a female opinion and help work out the pain I have from this.

I'm really sad because I hope she doesn't think less of me. It was really hard for me to openly say that without alcohol and it slipped out of my mouth like how most people who drink do. I didn't intend any harm or anyone to be alarmed but you have to understand I am closeted because I like threesomes fantasies I always keep reality and fantasy separate but sometimes I'm in these situations its in the realm of plausibly and most likely are so grey and confusing it can go either way or I hope it does.

I'm a don't want to lose friends over this. It's not fair and I can say people who all hive mind on giving a to much hate on someone's personal business is very difficult to cope with especially when I was raped or felt uncomfortable about my sexuality. I won't bring it up to Any one either it's not a required thing for a relationship but I did everything right on my intentions and I'm very open considerate and will listen to their feedback. I'm hoping this accident doesnt hurt me.

I go on starvation binges because of this I feel ugly and not good enough when I'm like looked at either like I'm not good looking or I'm so good looking I should be objectified which I've had in very rare bizarre very unsettling instances.

You I'm expecting people to give me flac for being a guy and being slightly different how I go about with my fantasies and this post is very difficult subject to me. I really hate feeling the only one here and many days I want to castrate myself or try to lower my libido because I feel I don't belong here. If people were more accepting and safe sex minded and just told me about it I wouldn't think they're weird or perverted or crazy I would decide yes depending on who and what for certain or no if otherwise.

Like I feel it's unfair I am forced to deal with it a lot. It's made me hate myself and my body all my life. I wanted to be free from this I want to have a lot more sex honestly with people I like admire and attracted to when opportunity happens but only if people quit being so damn judgemental in that group of people. Idk what to do.