I don't want to get into the lengthy and depressing story here, but when a young pup, I desperately loved someone I thought loved me. We had plans to get married. Then I (birth control failure) got pregnant. He couldn't run fast enough, although he did take the time to offer to pay for an abortion first.

I had the child and, not wanting to sentence him to a life on welfare, gave him up for adoption. It destroyed my life and is, in spite of all my childhood abuse, probably 90% of the reason for my depression and PTSD.

The sperm donor and I, while living together, were very, very broke. He was in school and I had a minimum wage job in a hick town in the middle of nowhere and we had nothing -- not even a telephone, had to use the pay phone 2 blocks away (this is before cellphones).

So, since he couldn't easily call people to tell them he was dumping me, he wrote letters. I "found" (he left it laying out, you wanna talk passive-aggressive?) a letter he wrote to a mutual friend. It said that since we had proved we could live on our own without our parents that he "didn't need me anymore."

I tell you that to tell you I know how it feels. 16 years later, I haven't ever forgotten it, but the pain has lessened to the point that now it just pisses me off instead. For a long, long time I tried to make excuses for his behavior, and I finally got sick of it and put the blame right where it belongs, on his skinny little ***, LOL.

I know you don't want to hear it takes time, but it takes time. In the meantime, take some time to sit down and make a list of all the good things about yourself. I can contribute one -- your responses to me are always very thoughtful and considered. It's clear you take time to respond very personally. You've helped me a great deal on a number of occasions.

What you've been through sucks, and you do need to grieve it. My son's adoptive mom did some Internet sleuthing and tracked me down this year, and while I'm ecstatic for the limited contact I now have, I'm still grieving his loss, in a way. God has richly blessed that child; he's had the best life ever, so far. But I missed out on it. I guess I'm grieving for me more than him.

Take the time to take care of yourself. You're worth it. Don't expect it to get better overnight -- but it will happen. Besides, as a journalist, you shouldn't believe everything you hear at face value. Dig a little and discover what you're really worth. :-)

Candy