the urge to drink and/or overeat is strong. there's almost a whole case of beer in the fridge now, even after a night of my parents drinking. speaking of, my parents are both asleep now. i'm the only one up. it's lonely. often this is the worst part of the night for me.

felt ugly, so put on a bit of makeup hoping it would a) distract me, and b) make me feel better/prettier. it didn't. instead it only made apparent how cruddy at makeup i am. no really, all the youtube tutorials in the world can't help me. i feel now like i've failed at something... at being female. what kind of girl can't put on makeup properly? and now it's 9PM and i'll just have to go wash it off before i go to bed, just like the ugly, unfeminine failure that i am. ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly

i feel like giving up already. i so want to get drunk right now. just get me away from here, please. fast-forward me to when i'm thin and pretty and have a husband so i won't have to worry about this attracting male attention bull**** anymore. and yes, i have to worry about it. i don't want to die alone. please god don't let me be lonely anymore...

i don't believe that anyone will love me, ever. it's impossible. who loves ugly girls?