i so want to just lose my virginity to whoever the **** will take it. i’m done. i'm sick of this game. people keep telling me to wait and the right person will come along. but they don’t get it. they all found their person already. it’s like being the last one picked in gym class, only more painful. they don’t understand. i’m past the point of wanting it to be special, or magical, or to even feel good for that matter. i’m smart enough to know those things can’t reasonably be expected of one’s first time. i just want to be able to say that i’ve had sex, so i won’t have this ******* inferiority complex hanging over me wherever the **** i go. and being a virgin at 19 does make me inferior. that’s saying men don’t want me, that my looks, my body, my genitals are not good enough to make men hard and want to **** me. i mean, i’m a young virgin girl - apparently very desired porn trope, right? well not in my case. because i’m also fat. and ugly. and no one ****s a fat and ugly girl, except for as 'practice'. oh, but looks don't matter?? ********!

the only way i'd be ****able to someone is if they were drunk. maybe when i'm old enough i'll just go to a bar and try my luck. seems like the only place i'd pick up anyone. that is, if i'm lucky! might have to pay them first, but oh well!