I'm a 28 yo woman and I never had healthy relationships with women growing up. My mom passed away when I was 9 and my dads pregnant gf was quickly moved into our home after. I held a lot of resentment and she was a horrible, mentally abusive person. She would brag to me about my dad leaving my mom for her and tell me sick details about their sex life before I was even old enough to know was sex was. She blackmailed me a lot too and I never spoke up to my dad until years later when they broke up because she became a drug addict. It was some twisted stuff but I could write a book on all the stuff she put our family through.

Well fast forward to my life now. I find that if other women even give the slightest attitude I completely shut down. For example, I started a new job and I'm fine with all the girls there except one in particular. Right from the beginning she was rude and very hesitant to help me at all on the job. She acts like I'm an inconvenience when I'm having trouble with something and just gives attitude so I gave up trying with her. Now when we're both at work I avoid her like the plague. I'll walk around the whole building to avoid walking near her desk or making eye contact. Yea, she scares me. I've brought it up with other workers and they all said she is just like that to people and to not take it seriously. Not so easy when I have issues like I do with anxiety and low self esteem. And I'm like this with other women too. My bf's mom is very condescending towards me and babies him so we step on each others toes often. Now we are on a talking basis again and she has offered to take me out shopping and invited me to her house with my bf's kids but I make up excuses because I can't fathom being able to control my anxiety and fear around her. And then there's my very own grandmother that I still get nervous around because let's face it, she's older and gets grumpy easily and again I shut down.

So I gave enough examples. I should add that I never stand up for myself out of fear. I tend to avoid rather than address the situation. Now when it comes to men I'm completely different. I can be open and speak up. I was raised by my dad and older brother after my mom passed. Growing up I had more guy friends. So why am I like this with women and what can I do to break this cycle? Is anyone else like this? I don't want to be afraid anymore to the point where I will shake and totally shut down. Do I suck it up and stand up for myself? I don't know how!

For those of you that will mention therapy, I intend on getting back into therapy soon. I promise lol