I have schizoaffective disorder: bipolar type. I've been having a rough time lately. Rapid cycling is ridiculous. It seems like nothing is helping right now. I'm not able to talk to my pdoc cause he is on vaca. Talked to a diff one I used to have yesterday and he said thanks for coming in so I get paid and you'll have to wait to see ur pdoc... not literally but that's how things came off u know? Just a big waste of time. Last night I was on here and tried calling a peer to peer hotline, my family etc. I thnk I was rapid cycling cried for 2.5 hours straight, wanted very much to hurt myself as a release, thru cutting or taking more pills or what have you. I've been dissociating which I've been told there's only therapy to treat that.... sometimes I just don't know what to do. I can be fine outwardly but inside I'm a total nutcase; hysterical, crying, hyperventialating, agitated as hell; and completely pissed off. I almost threw the phone through the window last night. I talked to the oncall doc for my pcp and she said I sounded calmer and asked me if I'd be ok for the night; finally I said yes and like got off the phone and I guess passed out right off. I woke up a couple hours later; I assume because I couldn't breathe because I have sleep apnea. Anyone have any advice? I was thinking about asking my pdoc about a diff mood stabilizer than lithium; my levels have either been too high or too low and not really in the therapeutic range although I don't know what they are exactly. I think I would like to try topamax if possible because he's suggested it before but my insurance wouldn't approve it and it's kinda expensive I guess.... but any comments, or suggestions are always welcome. Thanks, Danielle