I was never abused, just misunderstood, but it did leave me feeling unloved and unwanted a lot of the time. My uni therapist keeps talking about that same thing, that I wasn't "filled up" by my parents. She said very early on that she wants to be a source of "unconditional love" for me because it doesn't seem like I've had that from anyone when I was growing up. I do think, though, that my mother gave me her version of it. She gave what she was capable of at the time, with two other children in addition to my troubled self. It cannot have been easy to raise a child with undiagnosed bipolar disorder, and I know she frequently felt like she was doing everything wrong with me. She has told me more recently that she feels as if she has failed me, which was hard to hear for several reasons, but mainly because it strengthens my belief of being a failure. My parents have never told me that they are proud of me. My therapist has told me I should be proud of myself, and that she is, several times. It means a lot to me.

I know my mum loves me, she just didn't know how to show it, and it seems like she still finds it difficult, but she has had her own struggles in life. Her childhood was of the sort that would make anyone want to shut down emotionally in order to protect themselves, and she has carried that with her into her role as a parent. There is no malice in it, just emotional distance, and especially from me because I was so problematic. I was always yelled at, and punished for being bad. I was told that I was lazy and useless, or horrible, depending on where I was on the mood scale. I received very little compassion, because no one understood that I was ill. Even now they are not particularly understanding, despite the fact that I have been diagnosed with a mental disorder. So when my therapist shows me love, compassion and understanding, that means the world to me, countertransference or not. I need it. I remain sceptical, but that's just the cynic in me, and I guess that's what my therapist hopes to get rid of somewhere down the line. She's trying to build me up the way a mother would, or should, build up her child so they can grow and finally be able to support themselves emotionally.

I have thought about it a lot, though, and I believe my therapist is just maternal to the core. She has so much love to give, and when she sees someone who needs it I don't think she can help herself. And her love HAS been unconditional so far. She's always telling me that she knows I show up every week taking a risk that she won't hurt me, and she says she doesn't want to do that, or let me down in any way. I desperately want to believe that she's not going to.