Sorry about the long read but this is my way
to see it in print helps me understand better
Emotions
for years I wondered what they were
now I wonder how I will handle them
a T said my childhood had been a time of emotional neglect
I have to admit until them I had never thought about it
but it is true
The meds I have endured the last three years
following the crisis time
have allowed me to start feeling
I have had a moment of real clarity and been able to realize there have been three major periods of my life
My first obsession was with religion , which I followed all the way to a degree in ministry
only to lose all belief in the same
My second was work
all consuming , controling all the events of my life
coming first
even over family
leading up to and causing the crisis that landed me ip
.
It has taken three years but I have found a new obsession
and it is all consuming
it makes me feel as a teenager again
I lie
as a teenager with all the emotions of that age for the first time
as my first childhood had no such consuming emotions
in my second childhood they seem to have completely over whelmed me
and my life
my wife thinks I have lost it
I told her I think I am turning into a 17 year old
I have to admit it is the real reason I keep playing with my meds
trying to find a balance between functioning normaly and giving myself to the tears and joy that justs takes me away
I am unbelieveably happy , but never satisfied
my T used to say I never went manic just expansive
I am not sure I am or ever was bp just stunted emotionally
but the meds have expanded my life greatly and I am glad of that whatever the reason
But the obsession has come at a price
my mind dwells day and night on it
it prevents sleep
it disrupts my work
it is coming between my family and myself
and I really don't
it means that much to me
want to stop
when I abused xanex it was to cover up an outside indused effect
this is coming from with in
this is all new for me
is this what it really feels like to have emotions
?
. . Tigger.
