Well, I think that the key here is NOT asking for any "advice" from day one, even if you want it. My mom would have just taken that and run with it thinking that I wanted it in ALL situations and not just in the one instance. So that was established immediately and without direct confrontation. I did include her in my shopping and planning and what-not so that she didn't feel excluded, though. And it didn't completely stop her from telling me her opinion but I think it helped.

One thing that was advantageous to me by simply having children was that they had all of my attention and energy and also gave my mom a distraction. Our relationship issues did not lessen, but the kids took the focus off them.

Not much help, I know, as I think it's a ymmv kind of thing.