I've been writing a letter to him, which will be sent this week. I think of what his reaction will be, then think "it would've been so easier if he had have just left me alone, or even died.".
I think just as long as he is near me in some way, I will always be somehw haunted by the idea that something bad will happen. I would never wish anyone dead, but I can imagine the relief that would come if he suddenly fell ill and died. Reading your comments I feel a little better about feeling that way, though I wish the whole 'forgive and forget' thing that people tell me about all the time was real