I like what you said about old emotions making you feel like you haven't progressed, because I feel the same way.

The biggest trigger is that his ex is bipolar, in denial so unmedicated and not in therapy. My boyfriend has shown me text messages and told me everything she's said and pulled over the 2 years they dated. Her behavior and tendencies remind me very much of my own mother, who is bipolar as well. She's better now, I think she finally started getting the proper treatment, although she's never told me because in my family we don't talk about things that actually matter. Growing up she was volatile, emotionally abusive, manipulative, and all around horrible.

I realize and accept that this is transference. I listen to him vent about his ex and all I can think of is "his son's mother is gonna treat that child like my mom treated me". I know this is irrational and that his ex is not my mom, she just reminds me of her. Just because my mom treated me that way doesn't mean she'll treat her son that way.

Problem is, transference isn't the only problem. My family inadvertently triggered my ptsd on Christmas, and the situation with his ex is bringing up horrible memories from childhood, and it's making me overwhelmed and depressed. I get so scared of the memories, and furious over everything that was done to me, but I dare not express it for fear of scaring off my boyfriend (it is a very new relationship, as you pointed out, so most of this I haven't told him), or fear of losing my job. So I keep it bottled up. I've been doing that for so long that I'm terrified of just losing it. If my armor cracks, Pandora's box will open, and a lifetime of repressed emotions and memories will come flooding back.

I am absolutely terrified of yet another breakdown or yet another hospital stay. I've been doing so good this time; no impulsive or self-destructive decisions. But I do tend to kinda shut down. I don't talk to anyone, I rarely laugh or smile, I keep my poker face on at all times so nobody can even guess what's going on. People at work have noticed, but they can't really do anything because I still do my job well and I'm good with customers. I've had many years to perfect my facade, as mommy dearest would use my emotions and reactions against me. Thanks, mom!

I'm just struggling to regulate my emotions and keep up appearances until this passes. I plan to talk to t about this tomorrow.