I am packing to go to the hospital. I'm tired of having piles of stuff laid out in my living room. I'm trying to get things neat before I go and that is not helping at all.

My hospital in the past has made a big thing about wanting one small bag. That's harder for me for 2 reasons. One is that I'm too far from home for someone to easily bring me something I need or even to come visit. The other is that I sleep with a weighted blanket. I have a small one (compared to my usual anyway) that weighs 10 lbs that I take to the hospital with me. The problem with it is that it takes up half the space in a small bag. And while I usually fight and tug and squish things into the bag right now it is winter and it is cold there even in summer and I'm bringing warm clothes. I froze the whole time I was there in August and am not repeating that mistake (I wore the same jacket for 6 days straight without washing it or anything). Therefore my clothes take up more space even taking 3 outfits (sweat pants, tshirt, sweatshirt for each day). I'm taking some comfort items like a deck of cards and a few books I know I can read even when things are really bad (children's books). And a box of tea bags because their tea is not good and since I've been sick I've been drinking a lot of tea.

So after trying to pack and stuff things in I made a big decision. My backpack fits inside my suitcase when not in use. Therefore it doesn't affect their storage in any way. And so I am rebelling and taking a backpack with my 2 blankets in it. And I will not feel bad about this.

I also emailed my pdoc to see if I might catch her that way...unlikely but if she happens to sign onto email tonight she might see it. I said what I'll say in a voicemail as well, that I really need to know what is happening, even if it that answer is not much, because the anxiety is becoming overwhelming and with a mixed episode already going it's becoming too much to handle easily. I didn't get an auto-response which gives me hope that she's checking this weekend. Hard to know until I do or do not get an answer.