I've been questioning a lot of things for the past few nights. I'm being driven crazy by the prospect of this being something else that co-exists with BPD.

My psychiatrist in the BHC I went to a month ago told me I have the mind of a 16 year old. That's pretty much where I stop (or maybe 17). I'm rebellious, pigheaded, and give off the persona that I am still a teenager. Sometimes, I find myself saying that I am, because, to me, I still feel "stuck" in that age range. The idea of adulthood hasn't sunken in quite yet. I'm funny, sometimes bubbly, always sarcastic. But, overall, I'm angry. Angry at the way I was raised. How I'm left with all of nothing and expected to make a garden grow. I'm the writer. I am the darker one.

I haven't decided what it is that I want to do with my life and my mind constantly changes. But I always end up going back to the same things, just at different times. Certain things trigger a change of interest, though they are consistent with my mood at the time.

Other times, I'm more child like. Simple minded, innocent. Scared of being separated. Need structure in my life. I want someone to hold me and be like the parent. Colouring and keeping a doll with me makes me happy. Colourful things make me happy. I'm the dancer and the athletic one.

Other times, I am the parent. I will stand in front of the mirror and hear a voice constantly degrading me and tearing me down. Whenever I do something, this voice is there, I feel like I'm not alone and being watched and ridiculed and laughed at. But this parent...she's the protector of the first two parts of me. She's like my mother. She has the good qualities of her, and then some. She builds me up, she makes me stand there and focus on the positive. If I'm down, she'll be there to tell me it's okay.

Sometimes I get into this mood where I want to be a guy. My style will change with each persona. I will put on makeup (the first part, the teen), sometimes I'll wear dresses (second part), sometimes I will wear clothes that's fitting. Depends on my mood. It wasn't until recently, I learned how to apply makeup to look like a guy. This one comes and goes. I know that if I were to be a guy, my name would be Elijah, so that's what I call him. He just kind of stays in the back, though. I like him, he's no trouble at all.

I noticed myself spacing out more and my therapist the other day asked about it. It's always been this way...I visit La La Land. Whatever goes on in my head, I will start acting out. I know this is maladaptive daydreaming... But does that cover talking to yourself? I will start saying things as if I'm talking to another person. And it's usually because I feel like I'm going to be constantly judged and critized, even if no one is there. I will say bad things to myself. And yes, I sometimes feel like I'm watching myself, but also being watched.

Sorry it's so long. I'm just so confused.