[triggers in post] Some, maybe most people with BP may get happy or euphoric with mania but I suffer from dysphoric mania which is the total opposite. It hurts so bad sometime that I rather be dead. I suffer from low self esteem and eating disorders too but I've never associated it with my mania because whether stable or manic, I always have low self esteem. During my dysphoric mania I do hate myself as well as everyone I come in contact with. Maybe when I was younger and self harmed I got like you're explaining. I also suffered from alcoholism so yes I did absolutely hate myself and had no care about what happened to myself. I actually haven't been that bad since my drinking days but I get it!