So…
I feel inadequacy all around and find it extremely hard to stand here and say “I’m satisfied”. Thoughts about potential issues with what I believe or how I badly I did things run rampant, and I go over countless what-ifs to the point of madness. (Some of my friends just can’t believe the situations that go through my mind at times.) My mind is constantly on the fact I didn’t do it good enough…And even when I felt like I did something “good enough”, I still end up with obsessive thoughts and strangling anxiety about the things that could possibly contradict it or things I just wasn’t able to reach. It passed the point of criticism a long time ago and it has reached a point of aimless depression at times, interfering with my ability to do what I need/want to do constantly, making me do less then what I’d normally do, which further depresses me.

What I want to do is convince myself and my body that it’s okay to be normal and not perfect, it’s okay to be myself. I want a peace of mind of some sort, and the ability to say “I’m a good person again.” I really don’t view myself as a bad person, and I know what I’m going to do to make myself an even better person, but it never feels like enough. That’s why I use the word “inadequate”…It’s there, but never but always missing the bar. What I promise myself to do, what I actually do…No matter what I say or do I cannot get these inner critical thoughts out of my mind that degrade my ability to feel satisfied, or even better, happy. It seems endless and that is depressing in of itself…
In general I’ve always been a sensitive girl, even when I didn’t have these depressive thoughts I was still sensitive to many many situations and stuff like that. So I don’t expect myself to completely rid myself of all doubt; heck, I’d be mad at myself if I did! But this is too much and sometimes I feel so lost at how to stop it. Its stagnated things I want personally and although its reduced the amount of gigantic attacks of sadness I used to have; it’s so constant now sometimes I wish I had that back.

What I really want is just to be satisfied. I guess. I want to not feel nearly the anxiety about this that I do right now, and I want to feel like…Like...I did good! Agh. Anybody have any ideas on what to do?

Errr, I hope that makes sense…

if it doesn’t, I’ll quote a conversation with a friend where I felt I explained it rather well:

“[1/8/2016 3:00:01 PM] Aife: I just feel inadequate. That's pretty much it. There are a lot of things I do that aren't really the most effective way to deal with the situation, whether I'm respecting my limits or just because I did it wrongly. There's always...More I could do, or a better way to do it, or something.

For some reason that causes me a lot of angst, feels like I'm not doing enough or that i'm not good enough as a person because I wasn't able to brave through it without issue. (The latter is mostly related to sensitivity issues itself) After a lot of feeling and thinking I realized this type of thinking is very toxic to my mental state. For the most part i end up stagnant and doing less if i feel too ****** about my inability to do things. So I'm trying to force myself to frame it differently, the same way I teach others to frame their progress.

Does that make sense?
[1/8/2016 3:01:07 PM] Saku: yea i think so
[1/8/2016 3:01:58 PM] Saku: well
[1/8/2016 3:02:14 PM] Saku: you just think too hard about everything
[1/8/2016 3:02:23 PM] Saku: like me im kinda just like
[1/8/2016 3:02:35 PM] Saku: "I didnt do so hot this time,
So ill do better next time"
[1/8/2016 3:02:39 PM] Saku: and its overwith
[1/8/2016 3:02:51 PM] Saku: tho you tend to linger on the same thing for long periods of time
[1/8/2016 3:03:30 PM] Aife: well two things
[1/8/2016 3:03:31 PM] Aife: first of all
“tho you tend to linger on the same thing for long periods of time”
[1/8/2016 3:03:35 PM] Aife: ow
[1/8/2016 3:03:36 PM] Aife: second
"I didnt do so hot this time,
So ill do better next time"
[1/8/2016 3:04:34 PM] Aife: part of the issue is that sometimes I feel like this even when I tend to feel like I actually did rather well.
[1/8/2016 3:05:33 PM] Aife: Even when I feel certain aspects are adequete, and even when i think I have good reason to believe what i do
[1/8/2016 3:05:51 PM] Aife: my mind instinctively goes over situations that would challange when it possibly wouldn't work
[1/8/2016 3:06:05 PM] Aife: this is endless and really starts to depress me after a while
[1/8/2016 3:06:13 PM] Aife: and its why Im trying to fight that thought process
[1/8/2016 3:06:15 PM] Aife: lol
[1/8/2016 3:08:19 PM] Aife: and then I feel very pressured by people when they tell me to question myself harder, as if I'm not doing it enough as it is.

the pain and thinking just tends to be endless, and theres no common goal so I end up in quite the miserable state. That's why I'm trying to so hard to convince myself its okay to be normal, because otherwise I end up crushed.

but I'm meeting a **** ton of resistance, which pisses me off
[1/8/2016 3:08:20 PM] Aife: ;<
[1/8/2016 3:10:05 PM] Saku: im not really sure what to say. .
[1/8/2016 3:14:02 PM] Aife: its fine, it's my fight, not yours.

trust me I'm not sure what to say either; I told you this fight with myself tends to be incrediabtely circular and gets nowhere but making me more depressed.

But I can't stop thinking about it for too long...Ignoring it is only there to put myself in a better emotional state to deal with it. And even if i want too I litterally can't ignore it forever, my body doesn't let me. lmao.
I have already decided on my conclusion, I think, I just need to get myself to obey it and not fret so much over what ifs.
How thats going to happen idk”

____
As a note, I have ADHD and gender dysphoria. So far no diagnosis of any other type of mental disorder. That doesn’t mean I don’t have one, but it seems as though a lot of people (my therapist, myself) seem to believe that this is all situational bar the gender dysphoria related issues. Trans related issues have caused me a lot of stress and a lot of release at the same time, and for a time this level of overthinking was exclusive to that only. However as of around 6-7 months ago, this changed. Overthinking and feeling like crap extends into every fiber of my being.
That’s it.

Also, if anybody believes this should go in the anxiety area or someplace else, feel free to move it. I put it here because it relates to my self image and I was never diagnosed with any form of anxiety that I know of. I'm new here and confused q
Sorry this is so long by the way...