(Possible TW--bad feelings)

Having been abandoned by my last T, I'm struggling to pick up the pieces. I've developed a shocking indifference to my own life that I never really had before. I became pretty unwilling and unmotivated to actively live life at all. Even knowing how harmful it is, I still sort of long for the fantasy dependency that T gratified for me back then. The feeling of being special, cared about, wanted, even if it was conditional. I know it's wrong but I sort of regret having tried to hold her accountable for providing responsible therapy and that causing me to be pushed away. I can't bring myself to get angry, but in the anger's place I just seem to no longer give a **** about much of anything at all. It's like, maybe I'll get struck by a meteor and die tomorrow, maybe I'll become homeless, oh well. People left me? Well, can't blame them, they're better off that way right? I'll just curl up in a ball and dream life away. It's like I gave up on existing in the corporeal physical world. My T thoroughly caused me to separate my feelings from my real life entirely. Because all my real feelings were shut down and shooed away in favor of this comfortable illusion of therapy, like playing house. Lately Everything real in my life feels like work, thoroughly unrewarding, I almost resent having to do anything to stay alive at all. I really hate that I'm being like this. I'm really stuck and I know it but when I try to let myself feel stuck it gets very very out of hand and very intense, very quickly. Anyone relate? Anyone had any success coming back to reality?