havent felt this bad in ages. why? i loathe myself. i cant get out of this. life is just clawing your way to the top only to have the cliff collapse again. i hurt. all those times i wanted to not exist. why couldnt it happen? i feel stuck between living and death. i feel like two people and at the moment the evil one has power. and i cant kill it. i cant stop. someone ... help me. why is that such a futile phrase? why when i speak does it die in the air between us? theres a vacuum that nothing gets across. im afraid its in me too. theres something not real. reality is so fickle. im so depressed tonight im losing my mind again. i could let it go. i could watch the walls literally move in front of me like mercury. i could give in to the panic. what is that triggering? i remember those nightmares. where did they come from? shut up!!! i am so sick of hearing myself think!!
there is nothing wrong with me. do you hear me? you are a perfectly normal person who is driving herself mad. why the hell would i do that? because the irony is i might as well not exist but i cant stop existing!!
someone shoot me now and put this insane mind out of its misery.