@walkedthatroad

Thank you for sharing. I'll look into psychodrama too. I sort of do something like that, right now I'm coping with journaling and artwork and general creativity to give a safer voice to my feelings. There's something much more safe about putting the difficult stuff into some kind of composition.

@BayBrony

That sounds like a really intense experience. I didn't know my T for nearly that long, and of course, we were not as involved as you and that person. It was just about 2 years. But, it was certainly very intense and quite involved as well at times, for both me and T. I know what you mean about seeing the pathology in hindsight but having been blind to it in the past because you felt desperate to be loved. It is so painful to have that feeling of being loved and then to have that fall to pieces as soon as things really get difficult. It's good that you realized it's not your failing. I know I still have this strong instinct to blame myself for everything that went wrong because at this point I'm screaming out in an echo chamber--it's just me. There's no other way to feel in control but to accept that I wasn't in control and couldn't have been, and let go.

I don't think it's unreasonable either that you got clingy in that situation... at least, I have this fantasy that the people we love should want to stick with us through those most difficult times. Especially such a serious medical illness... that is really scary and stressful, that's the last time when you can afford to lose someone special to you. I think what is really sad is that it can turn out that just because you got clingy or unreasonable temporarily, that so often has to ruin the whole relationship forever. I know I was being unreasonable with my T sometimes near the end. And I was acting weird sometimes because I was afraid of losing her because she was not responding well to the direction I needed to take. But, how could it have been so fragile? How could all that built up intimacy and caring be totally severed over a couple difficult interactions? That's so painful. I just hate that there's nothing I can say or do anymore, there's no way to make it right or make it work. You know?