had to force myself to eat something. i don't seem to like any food now. all of it is just bland.

also, got my feelings hurt pretty bad by mom. she basically let slip that she'd rather watch tv than spend any quality time with me. of course she caught herself and tried to backtrack, but the damage was done. this hurts because i've been alone all weekend, no one at all to talk to, and was looking forward to maybe spending some time with her and talking, like mother and daughter. but nope, she wanted to watch her dumb *** tv shows. it hurts, because i never expected such behavior from her. i should have known. i'm never good enough to spend any time with. doesn't matter who it is, they'd always rather be doing something else.

not to mention she's been drinking beer all day. she'll probably be drunk by the time my dad's home from work, which means he will get mad at her and they'll probably fight. or she'll instigate a fight with him by bringing up crap that shouldn't be brought up. i mean, i really do understand how depressed and frustrated she is, but i'm so tired of it. there's been times she made me feel like absolute ****, and all because i didn't want to sit with her and humor her along while she got drunk ("oh, i'm so lonely" "nobody wants to sit with me" "you know i won't be around forever", etc.). meanwhile i'm facing the fact i likely won't lose enough weight by spring, which means i'll more than probably be alone for another year.

then i read some pretty hurtful things about fat people (i am fat), implying that they can't have eating disorders, and basically making fun of fat people who 'pretend' to have disordered eating. as a fat person with disordered eating, it hurt me deeply. people like the ones making those comments are the reason i developed disordered eating in the first place. i am sad and hurt and angry. the people who made the original comments are now getting roasted for what they said, but that is little consolation to me. i feel so bad.

and then i found out david bowie died.

it's just been a bad day all around.