I tacked this on to another post yesterday so a quick re-cap: I finally connected with my pdoc last night and it turns out the reason nothing happened last week was that I had misunderstood and nothing was happening at all. I think she isn't completely sure what to do b/c the unit I go to usually doesn't have a dr. in charge of it right now and I think she thinks I need someone consistently through however long I am there (there are 5 drs. rotating weeks). I can't really argue with that. I thought she was contacting them as a group about what to do but apparently I misheard that (I have been so mixed and was that day in her office that I miss out on things). So she finally decided to contact the dr in charge of this transitional unit that is only 6 beds and mostly like the unit I'm used to except without a computer to see what he'd say. And that's the last I know.

She was really nice and acknowledged that I'd been left hanging and had not gotten responses to messages. I just wish she were able to respond enough to tell me that something is now in the works or not. I told her not knowing what is happening is very hard and she acknowledged that but I'm back to not knowing again. I know if the dr didn't answer or she doesn't know anything it's a waste of her time to get back to me but this is so stressful.

I was up at 3AM panicking that I needed to get my bills set up to auto-pay and doing that and then was up until 5 AM. Again. It's becoming routine and I am going to pay in the hospital when they pull the seroquel and make the insomnia worse. I'm so tired that I was worrying about my ability to drive on the way home from my therapist. I drive when exhausted all the time and very rarely am concerned about safety.

I just want to get in there. Friday is my 40th birthday and I'm fine with being IP for my birthday. I've known it was likely for a long time. But I don't really want to sign voluntary committment papers on my 40th birthday. Somehow that seems wrong.

And once again in tears......this time it was a facebook post from my cousin.......so sick of mood swings......so sick of it all.