First, let me say I'm normally in the Bipolar Forum. I was diagnosed with that nearly five years ago. Problem is sometimes I think I have BPD instead...or maybe both? Going to talk with my therapist tomorrow about it.

Anyways...I have a pattern. It's a pattern of putting people on pedestals and then tearing them down as soon as they reject me or do something I do not like. And then I obsess over the person or situation. Other times I create my own reality and ignore that anything is wrong. I pretend everything is just how I want it until reality slaps me.

Right now...can't get over a girl. Known her a couple months. Know she's unhealthy. Know she's no longer interested in me as more than a friend. Know she mostly treats me poorly. Yet I put up with it. I stopped defending myself cause it's not worth the effort. Sometimes I want to argue and she won't which just makes me more mad.

I say something bothers me. She says "okay", "cool", or "let it go." Or throws in my face I'm repeating a behavior (like sending long messages which she's admitted she is too lazy to read). I joke with her/play around and she says "no playing!"

The kicker?! She's 6 hours away. I've only met her once in person. She's interested in hanging out again as friends, but it pains me. It's so much effort to drive and see her and she's not the friend with benefits type either.

Sometimes she's the greatest thing on earth. Other times she sucks a lot. She's mean and boring. Sometimes she is fun to talk to and I smile a lot. Heck, sometimes she actually wants to talk and will send long messages or reach out to me first. We talk every day even if it is not a lot.

We go up and down. We argue then we're fine until we argue again. We block each other on all social media/electronics and then a few days later we're fine and one of us grows weak, unblocks the other, and messages the other.

I just give up. I get myself in this situations, feel crappy, and cannot bring myself to get over people or things even if it hurts me. I feel empty without love. I can't stand when people do not return my feelings.

I'm loosing it. Now and then I don't want to be here on this earth or have any responsibilities or contact with people. I want to be dead and alive at the same time. I just can't. I'm going to always be messed up.

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