Ugh. Well I started having recovered memories of csa when I was around 23. Many years had passed and bits, pieces, and fragments came out of nowhere. I was just at the point of working on the physical and psychological abuse I endured as a child, and I completely shut down when the other memories started coming back. I've actually successfully (in my mind) kept the fragmented recovered memories from age 23 at the same stage for 6 years.

I've had no interest in remembering them. I've also used drugs (mostly those that were prescribed) and heavy avoidance and dissociation to keep it at bay. I'm back in therapy and these recovered memories are circling my brain again and scaring the sh--t out of me that I will remember more. I don't want to. It's like still dealing with the daily stress crap and the childhood trauma, adult trauma, and now extra plus trauma? You know what I mean. I've been really trying to get myself into counseling to get off of valium, specifically, but it scares me to be completely sober of it as it works very well as a memory suppressant. Too well, because it begins affecting everything, obviously. But the fear I have of total recall overwhelms me.

I just think.. Why do people bother having kids. I know a lot of people are just sadistic and continue a cycle.. But here we are going to therapy, doing meds, using support groups to end the pain and suffering of it all... And it's a lifetime of work. Existential dilemmas, and all.