Well said tofu. Exuberance is blasting out! Haha! I get that with every fiber of my being. In hindsight, those moments make me laugh because they are so far from my normal. They feel normal at the time though for sure, so totally in sync with what the universe wants from me. I sweep people up in little energy tornados and they love it! Until all of a sudden the faces(that I barely see in the zoom) turn to that of bewildered concern.
In depression my world warps and it feels as though I've always been this empty headed self loathing creature. Small,meek, unable to make the simplest decisions. Unable to stay awake or present in everyday moment.
It's hard to differentiate the me from the illness because the illness is all encompassing. It changes everything basic that we face, appetite, energy, sleep, sex drive, self esteem. When everything changes all at once, there is no you vs the illness. It's you in the illness and you on the other side. It's tricky because it creates a kind of amnesia. I have the memories of the things that happened when I was manic, but it is as though they happened to another Michelle. This Michelle can't even get out of bed so she can't imagine climbing rollercoasters in the middle of the night or sleeping with piles of women at once. (Ha! I'm straight)

Pay attention to the past is my advice. Learn your triggers and your behaviors, but don't stress over every thought. You are still you, sick or not. Everything comes back around. You might have to get ahead of it to see what was real.In time, you can look back, understand and plan for the future. If you are mindful it gets easier as time goes on.
I still get lost in wondering, but my goal for this year it to give myself space. Space to breathe when I am down. Space to make mistakes and misjudgments. And space to forgive myself afterwards.
"Who knows where thoughts come from? They just appear."

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