I've been very depressed for quite a while. There's been two suicides in my family and while I was depressed before I guess after the second one I've really lost my mind. I hate living and I'm so tired of everything. I'm only 23 but it feels like I've been alive for a hundred years. I have no friends. I rarely see my remaining family and they hate me anyway. I'm unable to get a job or even get into uni because my brain no longer works and I can barely even read anymore. My head hurts all the time and my hands tremble a lot. Sometimes I can't even get up from bed, my body just completely stops working and it takes me hours to sit up, only to fall back in bed. It's like I'm already dead, like a zombie. I don't think I can even remember what it was like to be happy and relax. I'm stressed out all the time, I have daily panic attacks and extreme mood swings, I'm terrified of many things like rejection and abandonment and being different from everyone else and I can't stop my mind racing and reminding me about stuff every waking moment. I've been trying to get back on my feet lately but I feel like dropping everything again and just staying in bed forever. What's the point of going on? The whole world is just a sick joke. My life is already over and every time I try to do anything about it I just mess things up even more. Some people would have been better off if they had never been born.

Sorry for the wall of text, as you can see I can't even type properly. I don't even know what I'm typing it here for or what I'm expecting to gain by posting my whining here but maybe someone has similar experiences or something. Feel free to ignore or comment I guess.