Thanks. I emailed my pdoc this evening, actually for a different reason (I need permission to take valium I already have for sleep...the hospital discontinued my order when I was IP last time and it is usually just a PRN for sleep and I don't want to take it without orders and then go into the hospital saying I'm taking this benzo without permission) and found out my pdoc is off tomorrow. So I'd say this week is out for getting this started. I tried to leave a phone message as well and her secretary apparently didn't turn the voicemail on today or something; it just rings.

I want to be mad at my pdoc but I have no idea what was really said last month and what I had mixed up impressions of because of my mixed state and I was so upset when I saw her. So I may well have been wrong. But I can't believe this is taking so long and that she's not letting me know at least that something is happening. I know she's very busy and I'm far from her only patient but the longer this goes on the longer it feels like she's letting me live like this. And I know that's not true, she made a point of telling me that she doesn't mean to make it feel that way, but I'm so tired of not feeling well. So, so tired of it. And now I feel unwell AND that everything is out of my control.

I don't think I"m focusing on bad outcomes, I have no expectations for that. I know I'll be quite sick in the hospital in all likeliehood. My pdoc told me that when I chose to do that this way. (Starting now to wonder why exactly I chose this "fast" way). That is scary. But otherwise I'm just very anxious about going through something that is uncommon enough I can't find anyone who has done it and can tell me about it. I think that's pretty normal. Focusing on bad outcomes would be assuming the clozaril won't work after I go through all this or that I'll be so destabilized that the Clozaril won't be able to help or that kind of thing. I don't feel that. I just feel this is taking forever and that the waiting is extremely difficult, especially when I was (in my mind at least and I think in reality) told that it would be a week ago which would mean I'd been through a lot of the worst part).

But it is what it is. I'll survive. I just want it to start happening.