@Hopelesspoppy

I'm happy that my post brought you some comfort! It seems like we have similar feelings about it. I won't lie, I've had the revenge fantasies (and the loops of guilt about the revenge fantasies) as well. But, I don't have the energy to hate her and I don't hate her I just hate how everything turned out. I also believe it could have been a healthier relationship in another setting where it would be a) more possible or b) less necessary to just talk it out. Therapy is so intense emotionally. It magnifies every passing feeling so much. I sometimes don't know how anyone can get through it anyway.

But, also I get confused, it's definitely a weakness of mine. I can't hate her and I can't blame her when maybe I should. She started failing me waaaaay before the crash and burn. Even when it felt like a dream. It's like, there's all the pain, and her careless actions which directly caused me to be stuck with it alone. There's the feeling that I was just kind of thrown away once it got hard to face me. But, I still am just kind of like, whatever. I don't want to lose the feelings I had I'm just trying to find the right places to keep them in instead.

Eh, it's all so complicated.... I don't know. That's why I shut down. I still want to be the innocent person that felt those feelings. But not at the cost of my life, I don't want that anymore.

Hang in there... Hugs if wanted.