Hey,

I was fooling around on Google, looking for a term I couldn't quite articulate, not so much a term, but a feeling. As I typed in why do I feel ashamed or embarrassed when I have fun, I realised I was way off track. Nevertheless I continued and came to another question I couldn't answer, am I a bad person? Why do I feel that I am such an awful person?

I have a long history of abuse and neglect from my alcoholic father and then an extremely volatile marriage to a narcissist. I suffer from ptsd as a result.

I also suffer from a major depressive disorder and have been diagnosed BPD?

But this ingrained feeling in me that I am bad, dirty and worthless just won't give up. I try my best to be a good person. But I just feel like I'm just a piece of ****.

And the other question, why do I feel stupid if I have too much fun? I feel like a complete idiot if I can't keep my excitement under wraps. I wish I didn't have to live with me