Hi sleepy1blue,

Welcome to PC
I'd say that you've typed what's going on for you very clearly and thankyou for sharing.
You sound very alone in what you're going through but I know there's going to be plenty of people on here who can really relate to what you're feeling, whether they're feeling it now or whether they've found ways through it all. So please stick around, you're not alone in this.
I'm really sorry you've had to go through so much alongside the depression, and I can understand completely how the suicides must have had a really big impact on you
I wish I could give you some easy answers but the things you've been experiencing can take time and support to gradually ease a little.
Although I have got to REALLY commend you for trying to get back on your feet, it can take a lot of strength to even try.
So for now..........obviously it's really hard for you........so do you think you could readjust your goals a little?? For example instead of thinking you "should" be in uni or you "should" get a job, maybe some goals around more self care or around smaller tasks you could aim for. Sometimes achieving things like that can be a massive achievement in themselves and sometimes slowly lead to bigger things.
The job.........uni..........maybe possibilities down the line such as getting additional support in uni or starting with a less "demanding" job..........but for now.......you!!!
And for now..........what sort of things do you think might help a little???
Although it can sometimes take trial and error..........maybe pushing yourself to interact slightly more with people out there........maybe focusing on something you could enjoy in time e.g. a hobby/an interest/something to absorb some of your thoughts..........maybe doing something purely for you..........maybe writing about your feelings.........maybe talking to people about your feelings, a professional/therapist/doctor, a helpline, us, anyone..........????
But you'll find lots of help with suggestions on here too...........as well as "listening", caring and empathy.
I know it all may seem pretty "black" now, but it doesn't always have to feel this way.
You've made an excellent start reaching out to us on here, please don't give up on reaching out........sharing, "letting it out", getting support, getting advice..........things like that, over time, can sometimes make so much difference.

And last thing , please don't ever see talking what you're going through as whining
If something "hurts", it "hurts" and that matters!!!



Alison