My heart says, believe him....my brain says....your an idiot if you believe him

my father is a patholoigcal liar...see why i shouldnt believe him...never works...oh except for doing his paper route....and is always at the bar....i call him once in awhile...he doesnt care about me...he doesnt call me...but i try....and he tells me he's working on houses....doing real good...picked up his bug spray business again....and when i was like 16/17 years old I believed him...he was my dad...he didnt care, heck doesnt even remember my birthday...but he called me princess....and for some stupid reason....i clung to that..Ive talked to him since then....he says he works..i dont know where...but he says he does....and i asked my stepmom and she said he works too....but i dont know what to believe...In fact...i dont know why this is so important to me....see...you know why its important to me....Do you know how much I admire Ray (Raynaadi) or how much I admire Depressme.....or in fact how much I admire all of you? Because you have hearts....beautiful hearts....and you all took your lives by the horns and steered straight....now when you guys were in the deepths of it....wouldnt you want your friends and loved ones to stick by you...and wait for you to come out of the fog? I want to do that for my dad...because I see all of you and your success....and my last single hope in my heart is that it may not be too late...that when he comes out of that fog and becomes a great person like all of you are....he will know I stuck by him....but im starting to wear down....and I dont know when he will want to start getting better...hes already almost 60 and he has been abusing drugs and alcohol every day since he was 15 ( he said he got away with it at that age) ...it hurts so bad to want to trust him and want to be near him...and all he does is hurt me....and abuse me...and i blame the alcohol and drugs for that....i dont want to give up on him....but if I dont ....then I might get hurt in the process....but i cant take the chance that they are feeding me more lies just to get me to visit....i went to visit last time....(i was 18) and he was at the bar so much...that everyone in the bar knew my name and my life story...well the story that HE knows...im so confused....he has this hold on me...this grip...and sometimes i wish i had the power to let go....the cold heart to let go...but i love him...its more than he can say about me....but I love him...I miss him...and i wish he just would get better....if he just got better i know he would be a better person...he wouldnt abuse and wouldnt say mean things....i know there is a heart somewhere...i want my real dad ...before its too late....

im sorry if i offended anyone