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Originally Posted by Hopelesspoppy
Nobody who hasn't gone through it can really understand the euphoria of the moment and eventually the shame and trauma that compound the abandonment and rejection.
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So bloody true. Every word of it. For those for whom core shame is a major driver, this sort of experience is like when a star becomes a supernova. Massive shame explosion. And massive disempowerment. A good recipe for triggering terrible rage.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopelesspoppy
Finally I understood that I was never going to get what I really wanted - a meaningful apology or at the very least an acknowledgment of what he did to me. There was no AHA moment, life certainly was not going well in other areas, but I am finally off the roller coaster. Yes, it still hurts and no, I can't discuss it with anybody. It is an unbearable loneliness.
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Yea the loneliness thing (and estrangement) is terrible. My T kept urging me "don't go through this alone". She said it worriedly, maybe anticipating I would have a nervous breakdown or attempt suicide or sue her. But she seemingly never saw the monstrous absurdity of abandoning me and then telling me that. And she never acknowledged the danger in leaping from traumatic therapy right into more therapy.
The calamity that this setup was as follows -- can't go back to her to work through it and get the repair I needed, going to another T means dragging this traumatic experience before a total stranger which sets you up for possible exploitation and re-traumatizing, talking to a friend or family means almost certain misunderstanding or worse, and doing nothing means going through it alone.