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Originally Posted by magicalprince
Hi budfox, I understand what you mean by "as if therapy has broken something." It's like it revealed a new level of emotional pain underneath what I had always thought was the worst.
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Hi MP, yea I feel that way too. I pretty much knew what was there, but this whole thing brought it out as nothing else had. But, and this for me is big, the experience itself
created emotional pain. The relationship with my T was paradigmatic (to borrow from a book I read). It is the source of suffering and trauma, not just a recapitulation. Some other T's tried to sidestep this. One said: "It's painful to see how old wounds are affecting us in the here and now". Yeah, ok, but I am saying there are new wounds, and they were inflicted by your colleague and by the system of which you are a part. And the trap here is that the main thing I needed was to rail against the system and my T, but I was attempting to do so with agents of that system.
Quote:
Originally Posted by magicalprince
In my case I don't really feel like it was a practical joke.....It was the mutual grasping for certainty, this fantasy of total comfort that created the pain. However, i do recognize that my T had a responsibility to be the better and more together one in this situation. I know she had supervisors, she consulted, etc. but the problem was it was all on the surface. All the conscious beliefs were just alibis plastered over the real feelings. Once I pointed at the real stuff, that was when everything rapidly imploded and suddenly we were two wounded animals locked in a little room together, trembling, licking wounds and baring fangs, recriminating each other with the shame of their own hypocrisy in turn, while paradoxically trying to salvage the illusions that had allowed the therapy to exist at all. Suddenly this consciousness that had felt so close to my own was far away, foreign and immensely fragile.
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I'm with you on nearly everything you said. Very much so. Do you mean you pointed at the unconsciousness and dysfunction out loud to your T, and she then turned on you? Because that is exactly what I went through. She needed me in my previous role of compliant worshipper and partner in collusion. I mean she
really needed it. And I really needed to break out of that role, could have been healing. She won. Rigged game.
As for the cruel joke thing -- I had intense romantic interest in her, and she was dangled in front of me, everything I ever wanted, then snatched away. Not literally, but who cares, that's how it felt.