Tripping,

It was a good appointment and, yep, hospitalization was recommended but I used kaliope's suggestion and my Seroquel was doubled and I have to call in daily (even weekends) and leave a message to let him know how I'm doing. I got my first hours of sleep last night and haven't had a hallucination or delusion yet today. But I've been up for less than an hour.

Tapatalk doesn't use the "full" Pro keyboard, unfortunately. But it's such a clean interface that I enjoy it more than Safari.

I went through a very difficult time after my dad died – my responses were the reasons for me to begin psychiatric treatment. But, oh, was I a liar back then! I couldn't hide my panic attacks but I didn't tell anyone of the hallucinations/delusions that I was having, not until July of last year, 30 years later.

I know exactly what you mean. Don't get too jealous, though... we don't have conversations – not like those times when I would drive around, my dad my passenger, and we would talk about shared memories, etc. The longest hallucination that I have is about 5 minutes but the delusions can go on for hours.

For myself I've started distinguishing between a hallucination and a delusion by calling a hallucination a short period of time where I am hearing someone talking to me and I usually respond but during or minutes later I realize that, well, that it's not possible to be talking to that person. Because they're dead. And I snap back to reality quickly.

But what I call a delusion doesn't involve seeing or hearing anything unusual, but rather a feeling that can't be real, a state of living, of being, in a situation that is impossible. I have a much harder time describing my delusions. One that I think that I have experienced more than once is an all-is-good, here I'm safe feeling that comes upon me when I'm in a state of living with my parents, being in high school, having my pets around (so far, in every delusion that I've had and in a few hallucinations, I have had pets – some generic cats and dogs, some that I really had) and I'm laying in bed doing my homework. As I said, it's a feeling of being in that state usually.

But I can have some doozies where I take some sort of action and that's what my psych team is worried about. In reality, I don't have legs and I have to use a wheelchair but I can have some delusions in which I don't know that, when I believe that I'm walking or have walked.

I'm trying to think if – yes, all of my hallucinations/delusions involve the dead mixed in with a few friends that I've not seen in over 30 years and even fewer "unreal" characters. I've gone through a couple of hallucinations since I started writing this. They are a constant, 2-3 times an hour sometimes. Just passed, my stepmother asking me to go out for a quart of buttermilk. I say okay then, snap, that wasn't real. They're just like riding the waves and my worry has become that I am slower to return to reality than I was a month ago.

It's like I'm sane enough but I'm not yet I am.

And the delusions are getting more and more outside of reality (I can still recall the touch of my grandmothers hand in mine as we walked, I think, to the kitchen the other day) and I can't tell how long they actually last. I'm not able to quickly note the start time or the end but I think that they could last up to four hours. I just don't know.

The content of my delusions can be a lot more disturbing than what I've written here, or what I've told my doc. But I think that what scares me most is not crazy content but rather the fact that it's taking me longer and longer to recover. I can still function, though. And this short term memory loss scares me. I don't know from one hour to the next if I've written the word "snorkel" ten times in the past hour or if I'm using for the first time today.

I like the word "twisted". Better than my b#tsh#t crazy. That old meme, do the insane know of their insanity? I don't know. I seem to be more than clear about having thoughts, etc., that are unreal and that I (eventually) recognize are unreal but I'm also afraid of getting "stuck" in a delusion and wanting to stay in my bed doing homework where I feel warm and safe and loved.

It's just as Father Bob says... a mystery.

I don't know how oth

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