Hello all. A bit of a background. I'm from Florida and I took a backpacking trip around Europe alone in September where I met a guy in Scotland who I immediately made a deep connection with. He had the same passions as me, traveling, reading, in search for happiness. We spoke open and freely about our depression since the first night we met. It was just a very real thing. He then joined me a week later in Rome where we had a beautiful weekend together and both wished it would never end. He would tell me things like "we could be something so beautiful" while laying in bed. What drew me so much to him was his smile was so alive and so constant. The energy he gave off was amazing and the way he interacted with others was something that would dazzle me.

He had planned on taking a year off of work in Scotland to travel Australia on a visa that allows you to work and travel and he invited me to come. I was too nervous about the whole thing and it just wasn't in my plan to go to Australia as I prefer to live in European cities and was accepted to study in Dublin. He told me he wanted to come to America for 2 weeks and begged me to come. I met him in California and we had the most insanely beautiful two weeks of my life. We confessed we loved each other. We nearly got married in Las Vegas and after all of that I knew I would follow him anywhere. I've never felt such a connection to someone in my life. Instant trust which is very, very unusual for me since I have a major problem opening up others. We both agreed that everything about the way we meshed was so right and natural.

So two months later, I sell my car, raise enough money to join him in New Zealand for a month before we go to Australia for a year together. I was so excited that this man was so sure of hisself and how alive he was and how sure he was of his feelings for me to want me by his side through this all. I flew to NZ just 5 days ago. When I arrived I was dancing and smiling and the happiest and free I've ever felt to see him waiting for me.

He seemed off. He was more quiet and wasn't as affectionate as he has always been. He kept apologizing and saying he just needed to warm up and he had been having some issues. He has been in Australia for those two months after he left America while I was at home saving up. He told me he felt alone in every day he was there and leaving America just made him crash. He changed his diet to a sugar free, dairy free and gluten free diet. Started taking an insane amount of supplements to try and help his depression naturally instead of taking anti depressants, as they never worked on him before. (I'm currently on them and have been for 9 months and they have saved my life) day one he explained his situation and he never gave me any idea any of this was happening while we were apart. He would call me and text me and tell me he loved me and missed me and couldn't wait to see me as we made all sorts of plans and put deposits on numerous things for our time in NZ.

When I heard all of this I was shocked and confused but I was there in support and of course was totally okay with him being more aloof. He kept assuring me he just needed to warm up. The second day he took two new supplements called Ginkgo and L-Tyrosine and he was feeling especially low that day and it was very obvious but I gave him space as we walked around the city at museums and parks and didn't bring attention to it. He then was having trouble breathing and walking so we sat on a park bench where he told me everything. He was numb, he couldn't feel happiness or any emotion towards anything. He was having a really hard time just enjoying things and people. He made plans to meet with others in NZ he had met in his travels and said he'd rather do anything else but face them now. I asked him if he still had feelings for me and he couldn't answer. Then he started to cry and tell me he can't feel anything for me anymore and he thought when he saw me at the airport I would lift him out of this and he would feel like he once had about me. But he didn't. He said he felt nothing when he saw me and that was that. He didn't want me to join him anymore even though he admitted being alone for the remaining year would make him feel even more lonely. I was practically begging him to let me be there for him, that I would never abandon him and I wanted to be his support system and urged him to call a doctor and those supplements were having terrible side affects he needed to get off them.

We cried together for hours and then I left when there was nothing else to say. He wasn't accepting help, he didn't want my help and I felt at that point I was burdening him by being there and I thought maybe a night apart and some sleep without those side affects he will wake up feeling better about things and about me. He wasn't. He just kept telling me sorry and he had to be honest and this was the end. He didn't want to continue and try to feel differently if in another months time he was feeling the same way and I would have blown all my traveling money and would put me in an even worse position so he insisted of us ending it there. I have since have not stopped crying, have not stopped having panic attacks, cannot face anyone without crying. I'm in transit on the way home which is the worst thing for me. I don't have a car, a job, declined the offer for school and have to move back to my parents which is a suffocating environment for me.

I'm severely depressed and I just can't understand what I can do. I love this guy, I love him more than I have ever loved anyone. I know the true happy person he is and I want him to get back there and be happy and hopeful again. Before I left we spent two nights at different hotels but we had dinner the first night and he seemed happy. Wasn't in a bad mood at all. We got along great and I asked him to stay at my hotel and he wouldn't and left. I cried from the moment he left til the next day when I told him I was scared being alone because I couldn't breathe or function and haven't been able to move for nearly 12 hours. He rushed to me in 2 minutes without me having to ask at all. After being around his calming presence we went out for coffee and things were silent because I was so in shock from the past hours and hours of hyperventilating I was going through. He then told me he felt no connection to me anymore. A person a couple days before he was so excited to see. A person who travelled literally across the world to be with him and he felt nothing for me anymore.

He bought my plane ticket home and we haven't spoke since. I was okay with him telling me he was feeling apathetic because I've gone through this myself in a past relationship but to say we have no connection anymore is the most hurtful thing I can imagine. He honestly did not armed fazed the two nights we hung out after out breakup. The first night he was acting flirtatious and showing me his body in obvious ways and did not "seem depressed" I don't know this person and he won't let me in. I would give anything to be back to where we were. Can someone please help me understand this. I'm so lost, confused and feeling like I can't live at all right now. I need help. What advice can you give me?