You've been given some great advice here. These people really know what they're talking about!!

I can TOTALLY understand what you're going through. I am a virgin with an INTENSE fear of sex. I feel very panicky and afraid when men start getting any where remotely near sexual with me. I feel terrified, but I don't do anything to stop them. I freeze. I hate it. I also freaked out when I had my first pelvic exam. She couldn't even finish the exam because I couldn't relax enough. Afterwards, I threw up. I posted a while back about a therapy session in which I relived getting hit by my dad. Suddenly, in my mind I saw my T get up (in reality she was still in her chair just listening to me) and come over to beat me. Then in my mind she morphed into a MAN and tried to rape me!!! I had an uncle who came on to me and seems to have fondled me while I was asleep (but if he did fondle me, I don't remember it). And I had a boss sexually harass me and "jokingly" say he was going to drug and rape me. And one guy in my highschool that put my hand on his penis and also held me WAY closer than I was comfortable dancing and used physical force to keep me there when I wouldn't stay. But that's mostly all that I've experienced, and none of it even came close to actual sexual contact.

I tell you all this because, like you, I have NO memories of sexual abuse. Still I am showing a lot of signs that it might have happened. It seems totally unfathomable to me that it did, but at the same time, I have wondered about this for a long time. I know how scary it is not to know. I just try not to think about it usually. My T says that if it happened, the memory will come back when I'm ready. It's the same for you. If it did happen, the memory will come when you're ready to handle it.

In the meantime, you really should get yourself a therapist and talk about what's going on. The sooner you develop trusting relationship with a therapist, the sooner you will be able to start resolving these issues.

Best of luck to you. I really feel for you, and I hope you get it all worked out.

((((((((((safe hugs)))))))))) if you want them

Angela