Hi, Angelique,

I think, but I'm not certain, that I have seen your messages here before? I'm not certain – to be honest, I've been having one psychotic episode after another for the past couple of weeks and my memory just ebbs and flows so I might not be in the best place to offer any advice.

When did you begin to have psychotic episodes? My first was in 1999. Freshly divorced and living in a new townhouse. I had the simplest and most common sort of psychotic episodes: hearing voices over a radio. I didn't have a radio and I almost totally lost it as I continued to hear the genuinely life-threatening voices AND search the townhouse inside and out for a radio.

Going back inside, the voices began again when I entered my second-storey bedroom. I finally figured out that the voices were coming from my laptop computer (I think that it was an Apple PowerBook 5300cs). It wasn't plugged in and I took the battery out so that there was no way possible for it to receive any power, but the voices kept coming.

Using one hand I can count the number of times in my life that I actually ”flew into a rage.” I destroyed the computer and, finally, threw it out the window. I closed the window and the voices stopped. I put my forehead against the cool window and started shaking and crying because I realized that I was almost overwhelmed by fright and that I should have called the police before going downstairs.

I had a few other similar episodes before I told my doc what was happening. Things get fuzzy around this time but I left a message on my doc's machine, after hours on a Friday evening, and the sheriff deputies broke down my door. Doc's secretary had returned to the office to retrieve something left behind and heard the message.

I spent the next six weeks in a really swank mental health clinic. I had great insurance. It took me a long time, and I went through a lot more episodes, before I was able to assure myself that the voices weren't real and that no one had plans to kill me.

I've read through this thread and it sounds as if you have some very cruel neighbors. I'm in a ground floor apartment and, with my social phobias and other mental issues, I am afraid of leaving my apartment. My building is elderly/disabled only so I don't have to worry about noise from above or beside me – those apartments are let by two older gentlemen who stay inside all of the time, just like me.

Have you ever had a voice delusion similar to mine? You're fortunate, I think, to be able to distinguish between a ”real” voice and a ”false” voice; I perceive the false voice as much more real than the ”real” voice. Do you recall your first psychotic episode? I was just diagnosed two days ago with "Schizoaffective disorder, depressive type” and I'm having a really hard time distinguishing between a hallucination and a delusion. Someone told me that hallucinations have sensory deceptions while delusions are beliefs that are false.

From what I've read here it seems that you've had your share of psychotic episodes and I'm wondering if you could take a moment and give me some clues about how I can, hmm, maybe establish some sort of rite for distinguishing between that which is real and that which is not real. I had a very bad episode five days ago and I still do not know if it was real or not. It still seems to me that it was real in every way but, if it was, the only explanation would lie beyond reality. So how do you know? Even when it's all over, or (more helpfully) during an episode, how can you test the feeling and the sensory sensations?

I'm just tootling along here. I've taken my bedtime meds but still cannot sleep. And I'm going into a kind of cloud and that's where I am hearing voices, 2-3 times an hour. As the day has passed I've realized that wherever these voices take me, it's a place of safety.

Just one last thing... (I believe that I'm Columbo) I have problems sleeping period but I can't sleep at all if I hear even the most subtle and normal sounds at night. My stepmother purchased a device for me 30 years ago called (back then) a Sleep–Mate. Mine is still going but I bought a backup from Amazon last year and it's marketed now as a ”Marpac Dohm Sleep Conditioner." An adjustable white noise machine. MUCH better than any earplugs.

Help me out if you think that you can. I'm going to try to get some sleep...

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