hi shezbut, thank you for replying. sorry if i don't address everything in your post. i'm tired and in a slightly dark place, but i want to let you know that i appreciate you taking the time to write that out.

i really don't have any friends to talk about this with, unfortunately. i do consider myself to have a nice personality. i'm not the funniest or most entertaining person, but i'm friendly. i mainly have trouble starting conversations, but not carrying them, as long as the other person is as engaged as i am (not bored/half-listening/looking at their phone/etc.)

one thing about me that i seem to run into trouble with is that my interests are not like those of other people my age. i'm not very mainstream. i don't like a lot of what's on tv. i hate modern music, especially pop - i prefer old school rock/metal/punk to anything that's out there today. i do not care for celebrities and am not interested in their lives. on top of this i'm not excessively feminine or at all pretty; i wear minimal makeup on a good day (though i do have a penchant for nail polish/perfume/jewelry), and i feel like because of this men will never see me as a potential partner, sexual or otherwise.

overall, i find it hard to relate with people my age. i cannot seem to find anyone of my own age range who likes the same things that i do, or who is even slightly like me. this, coupled with my mild social anxiety/introverted personality make it almost impossible for me to even get beyond the conversational stuff to ever know someone. plus i have a history of low self-esteem and bullying. i feel like i have nothing to offer anyone. clearly my good personality is not enough.

i would like to be loved romantically someday, in fact, it's one of my big goals in life, and i am not even a goal-oriented person. it's just that love is something i don't think that i can reasonably expect to happen to me. and if my chances of having real love are slim to none, then i am going to settle for the next best thing, which is sex, sex. and more sex. unfortunately i am not good enough for this either.

i just want my sexuality to be validated. i don't feel that i can do that for myself, it has to be from someone else, or it doesn't count. i feel like people see me as this innocent little girl whose never thought of doing anything with anyone. i feel that being a virgin doesn't suit me, it is not who i am, it doesn't reflect the person i am inside or the sexual being that i am, and i would rather not exist that way anymore. i couldn't care less about orgasm, i can easily give myself one of those and have, but i just want to be wanted sexually by someone else. i want my body to be useful to someone else. i want someone else to desire me as i have never been desired once in my life, and it leaves me feeling not good enough.

i hope i explained this well.