Feel pretty contemptible today. Thinking about my weak nature. Thinking about the depths of my problems and such things as whether it's impossible to ever fix. I have things to take care of that I've been putting off for as long as possible and I'm not looking forward to it with this mindset. It will require me to mention my mental health problems as I have no other explanation and I hate (HATE!) having to do so. I don't mind here - no one knows who I am - but in real life I just hate it. Will it be scorn or pity this time?

Headaches have subsided but appetite still zero and stomach not great (my eating habits are beyond dysfunctional going back years. I just don't have an appetite). The tablets will have to wait today because I don't want to be gagging during my appointment. Hopefully once it's done it will be off my mind. It's ridiculous that I've allowed myself to become so weak that even a simple appointment fills me with dread (now I'm self-hating again....see how that always follows?). It's not as bad as 7-8 years ago when I started fainting, ended up in cardiology and subsequently became agoraphobic (I've got it all going on) for 6 months but it's still just ridiculous.

But that's how I feel....ridiculous or not.