Quote:
Originally Posted by ciderguy
Hi, Angelique,
I think, but I'm not certain, that I have seen your messages here before? I'm not certain – to be honest, I've been having one psychotic episode after another for the past couple of weeks and my memory just ebbs and flows so I might not be in the best place to offer any advice.
When did you begin to have psychotic episodes? My first was in 1999. Freshly divorced and living in a new townhouse. I had the simplest and most common sort of psychotic episodes: hearing voices over a radio. I didn't have a radio and I almost totally lost it as I continued to hear the genuinely life-threatening voices AND search the townhouse inside and out for a radio.
Going back inside, the voices began again when I entered my second-storey bedroom. I finally figured out that the voices were coming from my laptop computer (I think that it was an Apple PowerBook 5300cs). It wasn't plugged in and I took the battery out so that there was no way possible for it to receive any power, but the voices kept coming.
Using one hand I can count the number of times in my life that I actually ”flew into a rage.” I destroyed the computer and, finally, threw it out the window. I closed the window and the voices stopped. I put my forehead against the cool window and started shaking and crying because I realized that I was almost overwhelmed by fright and that I should have called the police before going downstairs.
I had a few other similar episodes before I told my doc what was happening. Things get fuzzy around this time but I left a message on my doc's machine, after hours on a Friday evening, and the sheriff deputies broke down my door. Doc's secretary had returned to the office to retrieve something left behind and heard the message.
I spent the next six weeks in a really swank mental health clinic. I had great insurance. It took me a long time, and I went through a lot more episodes, before I was able to assure myself that the voices weren't real and that no one had plans to kill me.
I've read through this thread and it sounds as if you have some very cruel neighbors. I'm in a ground floor apartment and, with my social phobias and other mental issues, I am afraid of leaving my apartment. My building is elderly/disabled only so I don't have to worry about noise from above or beside me – those apartments are let by two older gentlemen who stay inside all of the time, just like me.
Have you ever had a voice delusion similar to mine? You're fortunate, I think, to be able to distinguish between a ”real” voice and a ”false” voice; I perceive the false voice as much more real than the ”real” voice. Do you recall your first psychotic episode? I was just diagnosed two days ago with "Schizoaffective disorder, depressive type” and I'm having a really hard time distinguishing between a hallucination and a delusion. Someone told me that hallucinations have sensory deceptions while delusions are beliefs that are false.
From what I've read here it seems that you've had your share of psychotic episodes and I'm wondering if you could take a moment and give me some clues about how I can, hmm, maybe establish some sort of rite for distinguishing between that which is real and that which is not real. I had a very bad episode five days ago and I still do not know if it was real or not. It still seems to me that it was real in every way but, if it was, the only explanation would lie beyond reality. So how do you know? Even when it's all over, or (more helpfully) during an episode, how can you test the feeling and the sensory sensations?
I'm just tootling along here. I've taken my bedtime meds but still cannot sleep. And I'm going into a kind of cloud and that's where I am hearing voices, 2-3 times an hour. As the day has passed I've realized that wherever these voices take me, it's a place of safety.
Just one last thing... (I believe that I'm Columbo) I have problems sleeping period but I can't sleep at all if I hear even the most subtle and normal sounds at night. My stepmother purchased a device for me 30 years ago called (back then) a Sleep–Mate. Mine is still going but I bought a backup from Amazon last year and it's marketed now as a ”Marpac Dohm Sleep Conditioner." An adjustable white noise machine. MUCH better than any earplugs.
Help me out if you think that you can. I'm going to try to get some sleep...
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Hi Ciderguy! Yes, you've probably seen my posts before. I've answered your posts, and it's nice to see you around the forums again.
My first psychotic experience was probably when my original illness began around the age of maybe 7 years old. I've had to live with it all my life. Sorry I can't describe it here - for privacy reasons.
But my next psychotic experience began about 7 years ago. I heard a man's voice and for almost all of 7 years I believed he existed. So, the hallucination was of the voice. I couldn't believe I was hallucinating so I created the delusion that he was a torturing sadist who was stalking me and following me. I believed he was had skills with new technology for getting his voice into my apartments.
I know that sounds very similar to what started here with my neighbors except since I can record them, I know this is real.
Anyway, the hallucinations were the man's voice. The delusion was the back story I created to try to explain why he was doing it. At various times in the whole ordeal I believed he was one person or another who I'd crossed paths with. I usually though was unsure who it was. But that was the delusion part - that he was some sadistic master of cutting edge tech, and that's why I couldn't record his voice.
What stopped it, finally, was the Abilify finally kicking in and my initial posts here. There was a huge coincidence that those two things finally happened at the same time and I realized it was all psychosis.
For a period of time the winter before I ever posted here, I had a few days of "insight" and realized it was psychosis, except his voice was so real I slipped back into my delusion.
I'm afraid I don't know what to say about the hallucinations you are experiencing. Maybe they are similar to my original problem which is very short periods of time that I experience intense physical torture due to an external trigger. I mean, timewise, since your hallucinations only last for short periods. I don't hallucinate the trigger (except for when the man's voice was triggering me) but I guess the intense torture it causes for me is a delusion that this trigger can hurt me.
I've never found anything that can remove the torture from the trigger except high adrenaline. But that doesn't often happen.
I'm not sure if what you are experiencing has any delusional component, unless it is at the same time as the hallucinations. If you continued to believe your father were still alive between the hallucinations of hearing his voice, that would be a delusion. But between hallucinations you know your father is gone. It's not a persistent belief that he is still alive on earth.
I'm probably not expressing myself very well, sorry about that.
About your one last thing, it sounds like a great idea for me, because I also have extremely bad tinnitus and I've heard white noise machines can be helpful.
Maybe I'll try to write more today but my nerves are pretty bad. Thank you for posting, I really enjoy how you express things and I think you're a very gifted writer.