I'm glad to hear you recognize and are getting some help with the depression. I decided long ago never to marry my S.O. of 32 years, so I'm not someone who thinks that is essential . . . but I'm rather odd. Seems more women are becoming okay with no formal marriage. That's fine, if it is your choice and not something withheld from you. Like you, I've been depressed since childhood. You seem very clear about your situation. I think that can be empowering. The worst thing about depression starting early and lasting so long is that it is chronic. But I don't think chronic means hopeless. It may be a lifelong challenge, but it doesn't always have to have the upper hand. I'll bet you're a very capable person. I hope you find an opening to come up through.