I'm still struggling greatly and in a lot of emotional pain every day.

I have still been able to drag myself in to work every day. I'm making a lot of mistakes there but doing most of my job. Some days I melt down and cry and sometimes get angry at my manager for trying to help.

Last night was our company holiday party. I told them weeks ago I would not be attending. Some days I can pretend to be OK at work but I can't try to carry that over into an evening with my coworkers.

So last night I went to Manhattan instead and met with some of my other friends there. They all know I am struggling with a relapse of depression. I was able to eat at a diner with them, probably had more to eat than I've had the last few weeks combined.

So here's the rub. I've been struggling to figure out what triggered this, but I know full well what triggered this, I have a trigger at work. With someone I work with.

I don't think anyone there knows or sees or could guess. I've told them that I think my current state is related to other issues.

Today I was out on a call to a client with some other coworkers and lo and behold I had a much better day and was able to eat a full meal at a diner with them. I became symptomatic again when we returned to the shop, specifically when I returned to my department where this person works with me.

I'm trying to work around it but obviously it is one thing I can't discuss with them.

I'm stillw orking on finding a new T and hoping that talking with them will help me resolve this.

In the meantime I'm trying to find a balance with this coworker but although not everyone knows I'm suffering depression everyone knows that SOMETHING is going on with me due to my behavior and for example not going to the holiday party.

And today I realized that my behavior is exacorbating the trigger and making things much worse... Making things even more of a triggering effect.