All week I have been struggling with a reopened wound from a therapist quite a few years ago. My entire soul and body feel ill with its impact. I phoned my T earlier today because although I'm scheduled to see him tomorrow I felt so shaky and unsure whether I could actually work today. All the pain of the experience with the old T has made me question whether my present T will dump me suddenly. I feel very bonded with this present T. I just needed to talk to him because I have been onmy own with this reopened wound a week now and I felt I was sinking fast. Big mistake. I could tell he just was annoyed and did not want to talk to me at all. For me it was a kind of confirmation of what I have been fearing ... he is sick of me and is going to dump me probably. I don't blame him really. I wish I were not so tiresome. It was his first day back at work after a holiday and he probably had loads of phonecalls to return and so on. I understand he is human. If, though, he is sick of me as I fear then I think I will give upon human relationships altogether. I just don't think I can do the impossible again .... trust another human being. It may simply be that I am too difficult a case. I try not to be but that may not be enough. I have been told more than once that I have one of the most severe cases of trauma and relatively-speaking I do amazingly well overall. I am on disability but I also work part-time now. But the same old issues of trust and fear of abandoment come back again and again in my therapy and I can tell it is tiresome for him. He is a really wonderful person. I don't blame him. I just wish things were diferent within me.
The reason abandonment is so overwhelming for me is probably close to the same reason most people hate and fear it I suppose. Though when I was 13 I was stabbed and left in a field to die. The most soul shattering experience of my life was the realization that noone in the world would lift a finger to help me (there were passersby) and that I was going to be left alone to die. So always those words are in the very back of my stupid mind "You are going to be left alone to die" . There are other ways I have been abandoned as well. I have come to bond with this T so much and I feel oh my God I don't know whether I can survive another abandonment.
Sorry for the mength of this post.